If someone had to ask me what are the toughest parts of life I have gone through without my father… I could list a few.
My dad was the kind of man, people looked up to but not as a role model but as if he was a form of god or an angel who touched peoples lives, whether it was in his work environment, friends and family.
One of the toughest journeys has been staying connected with those related by blood. After my dad left, I truly have never understood the meaning of family, call it the busy life that we get caught up with or misunderstandings, life has truly never showed me what it’s like to have an extended family around. This part of my life is something I always wish I could change and mold to be as perfect as they show in films…
Hopefully by this, I am able to one day have a my own family and build a relationship between that was never built before. I never really think that far ahead of myself though because you never know what life will give you.
Another part of me that not a lot of people know is the strong person I am inside, this I truly get from my father. It is really hard to break into me and this strength I have built has only gotten stronger since my dad did leave. I clearly remember that day, June 9, 2003. The same thing went through my ear from other peoples lips, “You have to be strong” & “She’s just a child, what a loss, poor thing”. I think that day the word independence came across my mind and ever since that’s how I built to become who I am now. Everything happened so quickly that day and I wish I could have uttered at least one sense of grief to the people… instead I was still in my happy go lucky world and did not comprehend that this is a forever thing.
The strong person in me feels the toughest moments are when I see other father and daughters having just a simple conversation with one another. When people bring up their dad’s and talk good about them, I confidently tell people that I don’t even have that father figure in my life. It surely creates an awkwardness for the other party but on my end I’d rather run away from the situation on a whole or say nothing at all. Holding in tears for reality has become easier with time, where I can cry at the drop of a hat when a sad scene on the big screen appears in front of me.
The toughest days are going through constant old pictures of moments I wish I could live again. The toughest days are when when I start turning reality into a film. The toughest days are every day, but in every moment of my life, I know the shadow that follows me whether its the sunlight or moonlight, it is my father or the angel in my life that is taking me towards my dreams that will one day turn into reality.